Edwards plight
by sandrajane
Summary: Edward struggles to stay away from Bella at school . He doesn't always suceed . A little different from the book , but the basics remain the same . Only intend to do two or three chapters .


Flinging my self from the room , I ran from the torrent of minds and thoughts bouncing around in my head . Emmet's amusement , Rose's disgust , Alice's believe in her self , Jasper's believe in Alice ,Carlise's empathy but worse of all Esme's joy . …

Running refusing to think past the numbness of the sheer pace I have set , Seattle looms on the horizon , only then when I stop by the side of an isolated lake do I allow myself to look at the effects my rash actions earlier this morning in saving Bella have bought about .

Alice's visions were clear ,there was no haze around them like some visions she has .

The first vision is of me , utterly besotted , totally in love with Bella , Alice believes I already love her , I'm not so sure about that …. The thought of leaving her though .. Yes it is painful , my mind balks at the thought .. But if I stay ..

The second vision is of Alice and Bella , there friendship is unquestionable , They stand arm in arm , Alice's cold , hard arm wrapped around Bella's waist .Bella holds on to Alice smiling , What does this mean , where am I in all of this ?

The next , oh god forbid is a rerun of the last , this time however ,Bella is cold ,hard and beautiful in a way only a vampire can be . Her eyes hold secrets as she stares ahead. What is she thinking ? does she hate me for this half life I have destined for her . Pain lances through me , my possible selfishness will involve taking Bell's soul … No … No .. I can't do that .

The last vision , the worst ,Bella in my arms , white , pale and lifeless , my eyes gleaming red from Bella's blood . If it was possible for a vampire to be sick I would have retched on the spot .

Am I so weak ? Have all these decades of self denial , been for nothing ?

I can't do this to her .. either option ..Oh shit ! what to do ?

I must leave . Take myself away from Forks ..

I can't .I just can't .Alice said I wouldn't be able to ?

If I can't leave now then I must try to build up the strength to do so ..there's no other choice .. As for Bella .. I will not condemn her to this life , If I do love her , which I'm uncertain about ,but if I do then I should be able to stay away for her sake , for loves sake . This is the best I can come up with , I shall not speak to her , ignore her .Let her think I'm totally indifferent . It's going to kill me .. But it might just keep her alive .

…

First day back at school after my resolution to ignore Bella . I never made it back yesterday to face Bella after the hospital , instead I spent the day hunting , preparing myself for the battle ahead .

Alice of course , ridiculed my decision "It won't work, Edward ." She trilled .

Well I am going to give it a good try , not all of Alice's visions are set in stone , things change , people change their minds .

…..

I'd managed all day to avoid Bella, skipping lunch I'd considered missing biology too , yet I knew I would have to face her sooner than later, and I'd never considered myself a coward .

First in the class I took my seat automatically stopping breathing ,it is uncomfortable all vampires rely on their senses to survive , not having the sense of smell is unsettling , makes me feel vulnerable .

Bella takes her seat , I look straight ahead not acknowledging her presence .

"Hello, Edward ." her voice is a complete turn around from two days ago .In the hospital she'd been angry at my refusal to keep my promise and explain my earlier actions . I can't understand why she is being so nice ,I am expecting her to try to badger me into answering her questions .

Turning my head slightly , keeping my eyes straight ahead I nod ,then turn away completely ignoring her .

I daren't look straight at her , I've no need too .Others ,Mike in particular are staring straight at us ,watching our exchange .Through Mikes eyes I see Bella blanch at my reaction , then lower her head biting her lip in what I think is an attempt to hold back tears .

I feel like a complete shit . Her pain for some unknown reason is my pain ,I don't quite understand this .Why should I care about the feelings of one insignificant human girl , I am bewildered .

Nevertheless , this doesn't alter anything , this pain will be short lived , death is for an eternity and that will surely be the outcome if I allow her any closer .

….

I hadn't really believed Alice when she said things would just get harder for me .After the emotional turmoil of the first week I was expecting the anguish at not being able to speak to her to diminish , how wrong could I be . I am in agony , everyday torture , everyday feels as if I am facing a bottomless pit ,an ever lasting abyss . Yet what hurts most is as I outwardly ignore Bella , she ignores me . Outwardly ignore only , I can't look at her directly I'm not yet strong enough to do this , but I follow her every move through others eyes , hear every word she speaks .

She doesn't realize how popular with the human males she is ,listening to their inner fantasies about her is driving me crazy. I've been tempted on a few occasions to knock a few heads together , the problem is I'd more than likely kill them. Hmm… if that Mike doesn't leave her alone I think I might take great pleasure in killing him . That smug look on his face as he leans on her desk in biology , leering after her ,talking to her but not listening to what she says back . He doesn't see her goodness or kindness at listening to him prattle ling on . It annoys me that I find these things out about her through him , I want to unearth her secrets myself .Yes , a dead mike is a good mike .. but then what , where do I stop ? if Mike is removed from the picture others waiting in line will only fill his place ,I suppose I could take them out as needs be , somehow I don't think Carlise will approve .

Worst still is the attitude of some of the girls . They see how boys react around Bella the cruelty of some of their thoughts is outright alarming . Possibly, some of the girls may have to go as well . Christ ! what am I thinking ? I sound like some unhinged psychopath . Nevertheless , I will monitor their thoughts , a bit like a Google alert , take notice if Bella's name is mentioned .

The only thing that is making life bearable is occasionally Bella looks at me . Alice always warns us , in the cafeteria " Bell's going to look at Edward , look human ."

My sisters and brothers all shuffle about , wary of her , they still can't understand my infatuation with a mere human girl . Apart from Alice of course who is angry with me for being so stubborn , she can't wait to meet Bella and begin their friendship . Bella looks over I'm watching through Alice's mind , her face is sad , she has a longing look on her features . Yeah Edward and may be she's just wondering what kind of sick creature you are ? Whatever . these glances from Bella help me to exist . At the moment I am a complete nightmare to be around , angry and frustrated I snap and ignore everyone , apart from Esme .. Jasper has given up trying to calm me down after I growled at him last week telling him to leave me alone . Every night I run to seattle .. anything just anything to numb the pain ..

….

Four weeks have past .. The pain is merciless , this last week I have had to deal with emotions that are new to me .Bella's scent has always been my downfall , she's everything a vampire could desire ,her blood is so appealing , her scent is intoxicating . I fight every time I'm sat next to her not to succumb to my natural inclination to taste . This last week and a half though a new , if it is at all possible more intense longing has become apparent to me . I long to touch her , feel her dark silky locks ,trace those full lips , pull her to me pressing her warm body against mine . I reflect back constantly to the day of the accident when I flew across the car park to save Bella .In doing so I'd had to clasp her body tightly to mine . Even in all the subsequent confusion I was aware of how her body felt against mine . The gently curves, incredible heat , her soft breasts pressed against me . I imagine what it might be like to…. Stop Edward don't go there . It could only end one way …

"There's a lotto going onto day ." Alice trilled .

" Lotto ? " Jasper inquired .

"Yeah .. you no raffles , daft prizes so on .."

"Whose doing it ? "

" Mike and Angela , heads of year .There going to apportion out the tickets to their friends to sell this lunch . "

" Whose got us ? " Emmett glowered .

"Dunno yet , there pulling names out of a hat . "

Being my usual (post Bella ) grumpy self ,I ignore them . I'm watching Bella through a 4th grades mind entering the cafeteria .

"Oh my , " Alice quietly murmurs .

I look into her mind instantly and freeze .

All the others follow Alice's line of sight. A reluctant Bella is making her way over a raffle book in hand .

She's clearly been forced into this ,her body language is hesitant and uneasy .

She stands behind me , her scent overpowering my senses ,my mouth filling with venom , I hastily stop breathing .

I don't like the reactions of my family ,both Jasper and Emmett take a deep breath ,she appeals to them not the same as she does to me , but enough to annoy me . Rose takes an instant dislike to her , no surprise there . I growl a low sub vocal warning .. too low for the humans to hear . Emmett smiles , Jasper nods ,Rose turns away .

"Bella .. isn't it ? " Alice chimes . Pleased to be speaking to her at last .

I flash Alice a withering look , she just smiles . 'she's going to be my friend Edward , so butt out .' The others realise Alice and I are communicating , Emmett coughs in annoyance .

"Emm . Yes .. I have some tic...kets , for prizes ..Emm would you like some ? "

The presence of five vampires has to be unnerving ,humans automatically fear us , even if their not quite sure what it is their scared of .

Emmett takes pity on her , since Rose is stonewalling, I'm glaring off in the opposite direction , Alice is full on ,a lot to take when your not use to it and Jasper is silent .

" Sure , Give me twenty dollars worth , ten for me , ten for Rose .. ." Rose grumbles , fortunately too low for Bella to hear . "Me and jasper too , " Alice cries , bouncing in her seat like an excited child .

Bella has to bend down to write on the tickets , putting herself at a much closer proximity to me . I freeze , she notices , her hands begins to shake , but the brave girl carry's on writing it isn't particularly legible , but she does it all the same .

Finishing up she passes the tickets over

"It's drawn today in about half an hour . " She whispers . Turning to go ..

"Bella ? " Rose calls .

No Rose .. I'll kill her ..

Bella stops " I'm sure Edward would like some , won't you Edward ?"

With a face like thunder I pull out a twenty bill , placing it on to the table my hand landed heavier than I had intended making a small banging noise , Bella jumps , Shit I've frightened her .

Nervously she leans forward ,she has a inscrutable look on her face I am unsure if she's upset or angry, may be both .

This time she's unable to write , Jasper takes pity on her , taking the pen from her

"Here Bella, I'll do it ."

…..

"Rosalie .Why did you do that you don't even like her ? "

"Hey , Edward . Cool it , no harm done , " Emmett intervenes .

"No she was just scared shitless!."

"That . " Rose asserts , " was your fault .Banging the table ! ."

"Yeah like your attitude helped ?"

"Enough. " Jasper calls ,using his particular gift to calm us down .

The rest of lunch is an uneasy stand off .Rose sending very objectionable private thoughts to me .

Just before we're due to leave the tickets are drawn , the hall is whooping with winners and sighing by losers ,someone at our table has won , who delivers the wrapped prize. Ten out of ten for guessing right !

"Hmm.. number 2..01 ." Bella stammers , by my side again!

"Well ,well ,well that's you Edward ." Rose croons maliciously." Give him his prize ,Bella ."

Bella nervously hands the prize to me. I've had enough ,pushing my chair back almost violently I storm from the room , to words of sub vocal condemnation from my family .

'Edward ! ' Emmett scowls .

'Oh Edward , look at her face .' Alice hisses .

Through Alice's mind I see a girl who is totally mortified , she throws the prize down and literally runs off .

'Not good , Edward ,' Jasper drawls.

"Mind your own fucking business , all of you ! "

With all their words Rose's laughter , Bella's upset face I storm off to the peace of my car .

….

I skip the rest of my lessons ,too ashamed of my behaviour to even contemplate biology . None of us discuss what happened on the journey home ,as usual I go for a run once there ,to avoid my family I hunt all evening not returning until we're due to go back to school .

The respite from everyone has me much calmer , halfway through my second lesson ,I listen in on a conversation pertaining to Bella. ..Lauren and Angela .. They really don't like Bella ,it seems this stupid spring dance in a couple of weeks has got them both really worked up . Ahh , the two boys their interested in , are keen on Bella . It's a shame they can't contract me to sort it out for them I idly muse , it would be a pleasure ..

On the way to my next lesson my slight amusement is cut short .

I'm following Bella's movements from her lesson on the second floor ,she's on her way down some steps . Lauren and Angela are talking half way down them . Lauren notices Bella ..

No ….

Moving so quickly no human would be able to see I fly to the steps just as Lauren puts out her foot , Bella hurtles down headfirst ,catching her just before her head hits the hard marble effect step . Pulling her up onto her feet I let her go .

Lauren walks by with Angela , once past us she laughs . Bella explodes with anger throwing herself in Laurens direction . Grasping Bella firmly by the waist with one arm , restraining her from moving .

"Let me go !" she screeches " She did that deliberately .Let me get at her !"

She struggles violently against my grip ,tugging at my arm , it's pointless of course she hasn't a chance of breaking my hold ,but she might hurt herself in the process . Changing my hold on her I encompass her in my arms , pushing her body up against the wall .

"Let me go ! "

She's still livid . I don't think she's even took notice of the fact that my body is as hard as stone and just as cold .

"No ." I assert . Looking at her for the first time in weeks . She's so beautiful…. And soft ..

She goes to kick me , quickly I push her leg away , it will hurt her foot if she makes contact .

"No ? " She echo's .

"No . She's not worth it . Leave it . You'll get hurt . " I calmly state.

Her face is a mask of conflicting emotions , suddenly it seems to occur to her how I'm restraining her . Gasping , looking down at our aligned bodies ,she flushes profusely .

"If I move away will you promise not to go after Lauren ."

She nods .. then looks away ..

"Bella?" Letting her go and moving back , she turns . Taking her face in my hands , I lean forward touching my forehead against hers. .

The feeling is indescribable , if only …..

" I'm sorry ," I whisper to her ,apologizing for everything , my behaviour , rudeness , but most of all for falling in love with her . …..

I touch her for barely seconds before turning and walking away… ..Yes I admit now I love her and will do for the remainder of my existence . But , this changes nothing , all the more reason to keep my distance …. If I had a heart it would of died a little just then .. …


End file.
